The Magic of Vulnerability

Monday, May 22, 2017

It's Monday. What a better way to start the week off by opening up, being vulnerable and talking about my feeeeeeelings. So mushy right? Right. It's Monday and I'm feelin' it. So, last night as I pretended to try to sleep (I was on my phone, so clearly not trying too hard) I read Indy Blue's post opening up about her social anxiety, and it inspired me to write about something similar: the insane STRESS I'm feeling right now. Sometimes I'll open up here on my blog, but it's rare, and if I do, it's just like "here's HOW to destress", "here's HOW to be more body positive", but never like "OKAY MY WORLD IS CRASHING DOWN AND I JUST REALLY NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT, OKAY?!?!" Soooo here's that. 

For starters, it's finals. If that isn't incentive enough to want to melt I don't know what is. All of my friends are home now, and they have been for almost a month, They're all having so much fun together, relaxing, enjoying themselves and each others company, and I don't think I've ever felt more lonely in my life. I'm not even kidding. I'm so incredibly busy, constantly working, constantly scheduling one thing after the other, it's nonstop. I don't have any money to go out with my friends here, I don't have time to go out with my friends here, thus isolating and overworking myself, feeling so so lonely and so tired. 

And if THAT'S not enough let's talk about social media. My god social media needs to be stopped. If we are being completely honest, my life that you see on Instagram obviously isn't what really happens every second of they day. I'm not always sparkles and sunshine over here people! In reality, I'm actually pretty boring, or at least what normal people would classify as boring, I don't go out on the weekends, I live for Tuesdays when PLL comes on, I procrastinate on all my work by doing nothing but sitting in bed for hours deciding what to do next, I FaceTime my boyfriend a lot and eat a lot of Italian food, and that's pretty much it. I don't go on any crazy adventures, not every day is picture perfect, I don't have a million friends, or really even like... 10, I'm a pretty chill and boring gal. And yet somehow I maintain this social media presence (and I know I'm not huge or anything) where my life is so colorful and fun and happy! But y'all the truth is, I'm not happy, not really, not at all. 

I look back on photos of just when Ally was here in Savannah and that was a time when I was genuinely happy, and I know it was only a week ago, but the second her train pulled up for her to head back to Richmond, I was in too many tears realizing that the second she left, I was back to lonely, sad, homesick Olivia, the Olivia who over stresses, over analyzes, over worries, and over sleeps when important things are happening because I can't really even get myself out of bed. I want to burst into tears a good bit of the time, and if not that I just want to hide under the covers and avoid everything. I keep thinking about Summer and how it's so close, but how it feels like it will just NEVER EVER EVER COME!! 

Basically, and I know this has been so rant-y, but I just needed to get off my chest and talk to you guys about what's REALLY happening in my world, beyond the cute outfits and fun little links I share. I'm human, I'm a real life real person with real feelings and major issues. No I may not be battling any fatal disease, and no I may not be struggling to get food on the table or have a roof over my head, I'm very lucky and grateful for all that I have in live, but before you call me conceited or anything like that, please know that for me, these struggles and problems are oh sooo real. I'm nervous and worried for something bad to happen everyday. What if my professor doesn't like my garment, what if I get called on and don't know the answer and embarrass myself in front of the whole class (this actually happened today, it was bad) What if I oversleep and miss my presentation (this almost happened today) What if my friends decide I'm a burden and secretly don't like me anymore so they just stop hanging out with me?!?! Real fears y'all. It's just easier to stay in bed. 

Sidebar story: Last week I was like, "ya knOW WHAT OLIVIA! You are in this FUNK and it's time to get OUT OF IT! Let's head to the GYM!!!!!!" SOOOOOO, I went thinking that I would feel rejuvenated, strong, a little sore but in the best way, and just overall more relaxed due to all those endorphins doin' what they do. But NO! Worst gym experience ever. I went to this class, Melt, see I've been to Melt before and it was tough but I enjoyed it. I guess you could say it was like aaaaa Cross Fit class? Sorta yeah. And okay yeah, so I'm NOT the strongest fish in the gym-sea, but that's okay, right?! I'm at the gym for a reason! Endorphins! BUT again, NO! I don't think I've ever felt more weak in my life. There was this new instructor who was so, so, so intense. Like I get it, gym motivation is different than other motivation, it's more all up in your face and what not. But this guy, he just made me feel like trash. With EVERY station he would come to me and be like, "Really? I thought you said you've been to this class before, come on! You do it like this, not this? Come on, do better next time! I wan't to see you sweat!" Keep in mind ya girl was SWEATY ENOUGH! Red as a lobster and shaking like a clam. (Diggin' the ocean gym vibes? Yeah, same) And it's humiliating when all the other girls around me had perfect form and still SOMEHOW looked good doing burpies in their LuLuLemon leggings and tank top and then there I was, getting yelled at. 

And that's not even the worst part. One station we had to leave the group room and go into the main gym to FLIP A HUGE TIRE down the main walkway, right in the middle of where everyone works out (it's a small gym, go SCAD!) I watched the girl before me do it and she made it look SO easy so of course I'm thinking, "oh okay I got this, it's probably not even that heavy" I get over there and I fail. Totally, compleleleleletely, and utterly fail. The girl working this station was yelling at me on how to do it, calling me weak and I just wanted to cry. I wanted someone to flip the tire over me, I felt like such a little squish, everyone was watching me, it was horrible. I held back my tears but I still felt so defeated. Keep in mind these stations were a rotation, so I had to go through that four times, as if the other stations with Mr. All-up-in-my-business weren't enough reason to be a little squish. 

Also of COURSE the two girls I befriended in the class decided to COMPARE MUSCLE during our 90 second break for crying out loud. I never really looked at my arms or anything so when I went to hold mine up to be like, "okay yeah but look at me" It was embarrassing to flex and have nothing change, zero muscle, weak as a shrimp. Like really, we only had 90 seconds, couldn't we just talk about something we can all relate on like, "boy, it's so humid out today, I'm going to be ready for a shower after that walk home am I right ladies...?" But of course not, let's compare our bodies. COMPARISON KILLS, and man did I feel like just disappearing after that class. SO, I cried on the phone to Nate during my walk home and vowed to never go to the gym again. I guess I really am more of a yoga gal...

This may sound dramatic, but that whole story, that's just the overall mood for how I've been feeling lately. I'm beyond ready to go home and just forget all of my stresses and fears of life here. Savannah and SCAD are great, don't get me wrong, but when you're up to your ears in unchecked boxes on your todo list and just want to hide in your wardrobe for a million-billion years, it makes Sunny Sav feel pretty dark... 

Okay, I think I'm going to end things on that note. I'm sorry this post hasn't been my usual sunflowers and daisies, but it's 100% me right now and I just really felt like I needed to be real with y'all. I'm drained, out of motivation, and have really, really hit a wall here. I've decided I'm going to take a break from Instagram until after finals just because I feel like it's a somewhat toxic environment for me at this time. 

Thank you for letting me open up to y'all, if you got bored after the first paragraph though, that's fine too. This honestly was sort of tough for me to write about just because I really don't like appearing weak. I'm super overly sensitive, but I can't stand for anyone to ever see me that way. I hate crying in front of people and for the longest time here I've felt like I have to be happy all the time. Like I have to put up this front and pretend like everything around me is so perfect and that nothing phases me even though it totally does. Anyway, I'm glad I could finally be vulnerable and open up about it all and hopefully not appear weak in anyones eyes. 

I'll talk to you tomorrow with my 10 links if I get the chance, but other than that I am just going to do my best to keep my head up over here, I really love blogging, I do, but finding the time to shoot, edit, and write is very hard for me right now. SO until then... I love y'all so much :) xo, O

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